Monday, December 28, 2009

Like Piggy In Her Hands

She sure played me, dudes. A beautiful blood elf if there ever was one, hanging around Mulgore in her Winter Garb knickers. She of pale skin and green eyes whispered small talk while I rummaged through my bank stash at the Lower Rise.

All I was looking for was a hand-me-down for a new alt. But I got a charming belf instead interested enough to ask about my holiday plans.

I told her the battleplan: raid ICC, level my prot pally, and spar with some twinked toons along the way. Basically long, uninterrupted stretches of gaming in my room (which I hope to turn into a WoW Pod someday). But I left out the part about eating spiced sausages with the intensity of a first-time Naxx run. Didn't want to seem like a total pig...

"Seems like a lot of fun," she said. "Me, I'll be farming herbs to help my lil bro out grind gold." A few minutes later I was sending her gold coins with a :D-filled letter attachment. The moment she turned her pretty head of golden locks, I realized I had been like piggy in her hands--a fat piggy bank, that is. Break open with a sob story and get free WoW gold.

So my advice is not to get too carried away with the spirit of Winter Veil. Just aid a questing lowbie or resist pwning a battlegrounds virgin. And most importantly, keep your head level when these lovely ladies talk to you.

Cool Customer. Don't let the clingy outfits cloud your judgment. [Hat tip]

You can do it, porkers!

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Friday, December 25, 2009

Happy Hoglidays!

WoW Gold Pig wishes everyone a very merry Christmanukkah!

Yes, that is our holiday of choice for this year and not just because it lasts for twenty days (twelve days of Christmas and eight for Hannukah baby) and each day is marked by highly indulgent acts of receiving gifts and stuffing your face full. No, no, NO.

Now let's all pretend that was not a flat-out lie so we can move on to this masterpiece of a holiday card. One word: BACON. Mmm...

You may not be able to see it clearly but the card reads, "May your holidays be wrapped in goodness."

Now correct me if I'm wrong but goodness is really just a euphemism for sugar and fat. Am I right or am I right? Yeah, that's what this season does to ya.

Enjoy dudes!

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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

How Christmas Carols Should Be Done

So, I’m a guy and I find nothing wrong with liking Christmas carols. Those carolers are everywhere, man! And you know what they say, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

Fine, NGL. I genuinely like carols. That can be attributed to the fact―yes, fact―that I’m quite the modern-day troubadour. Girls don’t have to fall over themselves trying to get me to bust it out (boy, they do anyway) because I’d willingly serenade them. Something like, A little bit of Jaina in my life, a little bit of Alexstrasza by my side, a little bit of Sylvanas’ what I need…

Pffft. My biceps got more talent than whoever wrote/sang/wasted brain cells to think of that crap.

What’s definitely far from crap, on the other hand, is anything sung by The Guild. This precious little clip I’m about to show is from a few years back but it’ll never get old. Mainly because of Felicia Day. God, I just love this girl. Cutest real-life redhead chick ever. So cute, I wanna wrap her in a blanket and take her home with me.

Until then, watch the brilliance below:

Done? No, you’re not. The replay button isn’t there for nothing.

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Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Next Best Pig Out

Christmas Eve is just several days away, but can't you just smell it--the slow-roasting ham, buttered taters, and choco chip cookies. *Wipes drool off keyboard*

I'm at the parental units--AKA the land of pigging out--and unlike Leonard, mama's taking good care of her baby boy with her cured meats. But for some of you porkers, stuffing one's face silly isn't really an option.

Especially when the gf has threatened to turn Alliance if you even look at the buffet table. So here's how to play WoW while staving off the overeating banhammer in real life.

First off, run through Dalaran to grab a dozen or so Half Full Dalaran Glass Wines. The cheese shop and bar will have plenty at their tables. Then, use these to toast with fine bubbly: such as a Glass of Aged Dalaran Red or the rare Glass of Peaked Dalaran

Once you've got the buzz, hop on over to Greatfather Winter and sip his Greatfather's Winter Ale. Gnomes will strictly drink Winter Veil Egg Nog instead, just because there are no elves to pick on. (Would-be Goblin rollers be forewarned!)

Now on to the main course. Grab a bucket of Red Hot Wings and Beer Baster Boar Ribs while watching noobs fall over themselves collecting the free gifts. Once that bores you--or the grilled goodies run out--get in on the gift-opening action. There's a Winter Veil Roast waiting for your efforts.

For dessert, the Winter Veil Cookies will crave any sweet tooth. Or if you're feeling giddy inside, pack them inside mooncloth bags and send off to low-level guildies. Just think of it as a way of giving back to the WoW community that has fattened our lives in more ways than our waists.

It's the next best pig out. Really.

Oh who am I kidding. Munch on those mincemeat pies and smile like a greench!

Greench. The look of sastisfaction after sinning with booze, sugar, and cholesterol.

Happy eating, porkers!

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Monday, December 21, 2009

Who We Want In Warcraft Part 2

Woot! I’m back with part 2, porkers.

So anyway, some producer/screenwriter/big shot dude mentioned that the film will be all action and violence. To quote, “"We're definitely not going to make a G or a PG version of this. It's not PillowfightCraft."

Good point.

Although I don’t think there’s anything to object should they make PillowfightCraft happen―with female blood elves, of course. I mean, try to picture it…a group of gorgeous girls battling it out in the bedroom using light, feathery weapons in slow motion. IN HD. Hell yeah bro! (Note to the makers of Warcraft, if there’s any chance you stumble upon this post, we’d highly appreciate a spinoff with the said plot in mind, thanks)

Now, let’s start with my proposed female cast, shall we?

Angeline Jolie as Alexstrasza

For me, she’s an obvious choice. She’s been cast in various motherly roles yet she manages to get her Sexy on every single time. Yes, that’s with a capital S.

Emma Watson as Jaina Proudmoore

This Brit beauty’s been known to play smart cookie Hermione, is very ladylike (IRL too) and damn, she is really easy on the eyes.

Megan Fox as Tyrande

DUH. Her look is spot on. Seriously bro! Tyrande had to be created with Megan Fox in mind. Drop-dead gorgeous and dangerous, she’s perfect the way she is.

Well, that was a fun exercise for my brain. Here's to hoping the movie gods would answer our prayers!

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Friday, December 18, 2009

Snorting Away the Winter Blues

Hauling my bum past freezing roads last night got me thinking: How awesome would it be to turn into a real life tuskarr?

Homeward Bound. A human winter won't be a match against massive hair, tough skin and cold-resistant flabs. [Hat tip]

As a tuskarr, I’d spend the winter walking in the park with Pig in tow. I’d also play World of Warcraft in the freezing patio to make Northrend raids all the more authentic. The cold won’t be such a bother since my Tuskarr hide will act as a natural insulator similar to Pig’s layers of flab.

Plus a turtle mount for errand runs!

I must have looked like one of the crazies, smiling at the thought of a Tuskarr existence. But then reality set in: Not even a strict diet of bacon, fish oil and WoW Gold can turn me into an Azerothian walrus.

Don’t be SAD. Snort some snow!

When I told Pig about my Tuskarr obsession, he said I could just be suffering from a mild case of the SAD, which afflicts most gamers apparently, observes some brothers at the card gaming realms.

Real SAD. Depression symptoms include averseness to WoW Gold and faraway emo stares. [Hat tip]

Pig tried to cheer me up with a sprinkling of WoW Gold left over from Peter Porker’s winning bash. When even moolah didn’t cheer me up, my flabby friend sat down and said: “Dude, you’ll be fine. Come with me, we’ll snort some snow.”

While the narcs won’t approve of his turn of phrase, Pig just meant he’ll help me finish the Feast of Winter Veil activities and get the Merrymaker achievement. Leave it to a gangsta hog-in-training to give some danger to one of the most non-l33t events in WoW.

I’ve already done a couple of quests for Winter Veil, and I can see why Pig squeals so much about it. There are hilarious ironies like gnomes pretending to be Santas instead of elves and rescuing a captured reindeer for gift-giving slavery.

Still kinda wish I could be a Tuskarr, but snorting WoW snow isn't that bad of an upper. Just have to suck it up in bigger chunks, like a powerful hog snout. Tips anyone?

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Thursday, December 17, 2009

Bacon Roasting On An Open Fire…

OH COME ON, who cares about chestnuts?

Duuuude, roasted bacon is dee-vine. It’s pure heaven I can’t even begin to tell you.
That reminds me, Christmas is almost a week away. Man, that means I’m running out of time to master my oven-roasting skills!

Fortunately, that’s not the case with my Christmas shopping. I finally got around to doing it―online, of course. I admit I can’t brave the massive last-minute holiday shopping crowds. Yeah yeah, call me a wuss. At least I can take that.

So anyway, here are just some of the gifts I picked out for the dear carnivores in my life. This is essentially a bacon-centric gift guide (read: not for everyone).

To start off, these raw bacon magnets ($4.99) are a key addition to any meat lover’s fridge. Realistic, eh? Bonus points for helping you remember the groceries.

Save this sizzling bacon soy candle ($26) for a non-traditional candlelit dinner. It crackles and smells like bacon frying in a pan which, I’m guessing, should impress your lady friend.

For the number one accident-prone buddy, these bacon bandages ($3.50) are pretty damn thoughtful. Also a nice way of saying, “Merry Christmas, klutz.”

This handy bacon air freshener ($2.74) is great for masking that recurring locker room stench we are all too familiar with. Nothing like spicing up the air with the aromatic scent of bacon!

Feel like getting something on the fancy side? This bacon silk scarf ($57) will generate oohs and aahs. Shades of crimson red and carnation pink adorn this hand-painted beauty.

Lastly, you can’t go wrong with this bacon statement shirt ($20). I’ve already gotten one for everyone here at WoW Gold Pig. Hell yeah, bacon brings badass back.

Now remember piggies, if you get inspiration from this list, I take full credit. LOL!

[Images taken from Etsy and Amazon]

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Sunday, December 13, 2009

Who We Want In Warcraft Part 1

Please excuse us for being away for so long. My fellow piggies here needed time off to attend to personal business, a few did some holiday hoarding shopping while I caught a nasty case of the flu (thanks a LOT, Nick). Good thing I didn’t have to go to the hospital. I did, however, stay in bed for a couple of days. So off to movie marathon land I went.

There are tons of holiday movies that have made it to WoW Gold Pig’s ultimate movie marathon list. And then there are those that we’re including in advance. Warcraft, a potential blockbuster of a movie, is one of them.

So I IMDB-ed it and found that the projected release date is sometime in 2011. Twenty-eleven. TWENTY FRIGGIN ELEVEN.

Two years is a long time dammit. But with Sam Raimi taking the reins on this one, I have high hopes that the film is in mighty good hands. Who doesn’t think the Spiderman movie series kick serious ass?

Ok, going back to Warcraft. I must admit that I’m very particular when it comes to casting. So if I had it my way, here are the actors I would choose to play the following male characters:

Gerard Butler as Varian Wrynn

You’ve seen him as King Leonidas in 300 so he’s a great fit for the role. Dude, seriously, I bowed down to his impossibly defined eight-pack.

Jason Statham as Thrall

He’s got the appeal and built down, that’s for sure. Plus, he’s just plain intimidating even when he’s not in character.

Alexander Skarsgard as Arthas

Watch True Blood and you’ll see that he has that commanding, powerful presence needed to portray the fallen hero.

I’ll follow up with the women so stay tuned for part 2!

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Thursday, December 10, 2009

And The Next Chop Model Is...

It began with eight aspiring piggies who—like hapless Alliance lowbies enlisting on the ruthless Illidan server—had no clue as to what kind of pain they were signing up for.

But after four grueling weeks that saw our fine porkers squeezing into skin-tight costumes and striking poses no pair of hamstrings should ever endure, Next Chop Model has found the loveliest ham of them all.

Introducing the Next Chop Model winner:

Peter Porker!

And as is the tradition from years past, Thighra Shanks ended the evening with an inspirational speech anointing Peter Porker as the “pit boy” of the 2010 spring-summer season.

"I am so proud of you," said an emotional Thighra, "because the piglet that burned my eyes with his fugly portfolio, has blossomed into a model.”

"You are a star. A bright, pudgy star with the lovely hue of a Sanrio kitty. You are the pit boy, the kind that will make heads—and noses—turn as you walk the dirt trails of Paris and Milan. You are truly special," said Thighra.

Winning Montage

As the crowd roared and a sea of WoW Gold poured into the hog pit where Peter Porker performed his celebratory muck-around-the-pen, a montage of his month-long journey played in the backdrop screens…

Week 1 : Peter’s portrayal of an undead piglet rising from the grave earned him a shriek or two from the judges—at how ghastly fabulous he looked despite the unflattering full-moon lighting and eye bag-enhancing make-up.

Week 2 : Drawing gritty inspiration from his troubled childhood on the wrong sign of Brooklyn pens, Peter painted himself a fitting black eye. In the words of Thighra: “He showed how maintaining the right attitude—and a great set of chops—can conquer any adversity.”

Week 3 : Peter dug himself into some rough patch during the final four when his rendition of the Swine King of Azeroth got mixed reviews from the judges. But lugging around authentic armor in the barren wastelands of Northrend gave him enough sympathy votes to push him into the finale.

Week 4 : The clincher week saw his final competitor Gordon Bleu pose as a WoW Gold baron basking in his goblin-protected bank vault. Despite the blinding display of gold by Gordon, Thighra rallied behind Peter due to his dashing turn as Cap’n Peter “Pigslop” Porker.

An Interview with the Teatcrest

Pentertainment News (P! News) host Ryan Teatcrest rushed on scene after the winner was announced, and got the lowdown on what’s in store for Peter Porker:

Ryan Teatcrest: Peter, Peter! What a finale that was. Was there any doubt in your head that the wig you chose was too ladylike? I mean, there’s such a fine line between pirate braids and reggae locks!

Peter Porker: You know Ryan, that dilemma troubled me for days. But I just relied on my guts—people always said this was my best part. And before I knew it, my shoot sizzled with the intensity of a Midwestern barbecue grill!

R: Patch 3.3 of Warcraft just went live and I hear Blizzlard is looking for new actors to promote it, similar to their campaign with T-Pain. Do you plan to have guestings or appearances in the numerous raids gunning for the Frozen Throne?

P: Funny you should mention that. My agent just called to say that Blizzlard has set up a meeting to discuss a possible part as the feast pig served after the defeat of Arthas. I’m excited to show off my graceful bellyflop pose and apple-munching dexterity.

R: Aren’t you afraid of the cold weather? Or worse, the sea of draenei paladins that will swoon over you during the filming at the Argent Crusade base camp?

P: I’m not worried one bit. Those cows can do with me whatever they want. It’s part of the gig to act as the beefiest bacon in town, and it can only help me to have such adoring fans.

With that final question, Peter Porker gave a quick strut on the runway and a classy snout goodbye to his fellow Chop Model Contestants. Next stop: Paris to spend his well-earned gold for the finest clothes a ham can have.

Let's just hope this includes some anti-barbecue gear for the coming Cataclysm.

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Friday, December 4, 2009

WoW Gold Pig's Next Chop Model - Gold Part 2

It's the final countdooooooooown...

If only I could sing that as well as Wayne Brady. But that's besides the point - it's the last photoshoot for WoW Gold Pig's Next Chop Model. Thighra Shanks wanted flair, fierceness and french fries fun in the last theme for our chop models. What better WoW Gold Pig theme than GOLD?

Gordon Bleu brought back the bling with his pimpin' ensemble. He even had truckloads of gold coins brought it just to prove a point. He was top pig, and he was big time pimpin' with the best of 'em. Are those chocolate coins, by any chance?

WoW Gold Pig

Y'arr! Shiver me timbers, walk the plank, more rum me hearties - Cap'n Peter "Pigslop" Porker has docked, ye landlubbers! Nothing says 'gold' like a pirate captain's treasure trove full of doubloons, gold bars and uh... bacon?

Peter has hit the jackpot and is sailing the high fashion seas with his pirate attire, complete with an authentic pistol, dreadlocks and customary eyeliner. Y'aaaarrrrr!

It's the final showdown - it's your last chance to win 2,000 WoW Gold instantly! Be one of our awesome winners; here on the blog, on Facebook or on Twitter! Answer our Chop Model Trivia and win BIG with the PIG.

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Thursday, December 3, 2009

WoW Gold Pig's Next Chop Model - Gold!

After a short break, WoW Gold Pig's Next Chop Model is back and fiercer than ever! When we last left our porky chop models, Salami Hayek and Cassie Role were eliminated in a closely called World of Warcraft week. The young Peter Porker and suave Gordon Bleu are left to face off in the final competition week.

Thighra Shanks herself personally delivered this week's theme as best she could. That is, carrying a bucket of chicken and a mouth full of fries.

Thanks, Thighra. You can go back to the buffet now. Yes, really.

From what we can make out, this week's theme is totally appropriate - GOLD. WoW Gold? Who knows! But it's gold, we've got pigs and... you get the picture.

To be specific, our chop models need to show us their expression of the precious metal. Gold symbolizes glamour, riches, flair and other stuff. It's also the symbol for winners and champions - who will be ours?

WoW Gold Pig

What's that racket? Just before Gordon started his photoshoot, we heard the jingle-jangle of coins being trucked into the WoW Gold Pig HQ. When we entered, it was like seeing Uncle Scrooge's vault in real life.

One of our guys got injured trying to swim in the gold coins. Kids, don't try this at home.

I only uttered one word when I saw Porker; "Pimpin'!"

The bling on Gordon Bleu was amazing, it was blinding. Bling everywhere. Not pictured - his extensive golden grill work, enough to rival Lil Jon's.


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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

WoW Gold Pig's Next Chop Model - The Pork Strikes Back!

Dude, dude, DUDE! Remember when I said I was sick? It wasn't any normal cold, I tell ya. I had a terrible flu and had to be taken to the hospital. It wasn't pleasant, that's for sure.

It got to a point where I imagined my blood was the cure for some futuristic disease and they were keeping me there as the source of the vaccine. I never want to see another needle again. My stay there was only worsened by visiting relatives who kept crying and saying that I had the swine flu.

No, Aunt Grace. For the last time, I am not going die. No, your kids can't have my Xbox 360 and PS3. No, you may not cremate yet, goddammit!

Anyway, WoW Gold Pig is home sweet home fer me. I missed ya guys. I know some of you are wondering where the heck your 2,000 WoW Gold is and don't worry - the prizes are on their way. Many apologies for the delay, I didn't really mean to get sick over Thanksgiving weekend.

We also had an amazingly successful Black Pig Friday event - did you get your fill of really cheap WoW Gold? I hope you did. It's a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

The Next Chop Model finale is coming tomorrow, so you'd better be ready for some pork. Till next time, stay hammy.