Thursday, December 10, 2009

And The Next Chop Model Is...

It began with eight aspiring piggies who—like hapless Alliance lowbies enlisting on the ruthless Illidan server—had no clue as to what kind of pain they were signing up for.

But after four grueling weeks that saw our fine porkers squeezing into skin-tight costumes and striking poses no pair of hamstrings should ever endure, Next Chop Model has found the loveliest ham of them all.

Introducing the Next Chop Model winner:

Peter Porker!

And as is the tradition from years past, Thighra Shanks ended the evening with an inspirational speech anointing Peter Porker as the “pit boy” of the 2010 spring-summer season.

"I am so proud of you," said an emotional Thighra, "because the piglet that burned my eyes with his fugly portfolio, has blossomed into a model.”

"You are a star. A bright, pudgy star with the lovely hue of a Sanrio kitty. You are the pit boy, the kind that will make heads—and noses—turn as you walk the dirt trails of Paris and Milan. You are truly special," said Thighra.

Winning Montage

As the crowd roared and a sea of WoW Gold poured into the hog pit where Peter Porker performed his celebratory muck-around-the-pen, a montage of his month-long journey played in the backdrop screens…

Week 1 : Peter’s portrayal of an undead piglet rising from the grave earned him a shriek or two from the judges—at how ghastly fabulous he looked despite the unflattering full-moon lighting and eye bag-enhancing make-up.

Week 2 : Drawing gritty inspiration from his troubled childhood on the wrong sign of Brooklyn pens, Peter painted himself a fitting black eye. In the words of Thighra: “He showed how maintaining the right attitude—and a great set of chops—can conquer any adversity.”

Week 3 : Peter dug himself into some rough patch during the final four when his rendition of the Swine King of Azeroth got mixed reviews from the judges. But lugging around authentic armor in the barren wastelands of Northrend gave him enough sympathy votes to push him into the finale.

Week 4 : The clincher week saw his final competitor Gordon Bleu pose as a WoW Gold baron basking in his goblin-protected bank vault. Despite the blinding display of gold by Gordon, Thighra rallied behind Peter due to his dashing turn as Cap’n Peter “Pigslop” Porker.

An Interview with the Teatcrest

Pentertainment News (P! News) host Ryan Teatcrest rushed on scene after the winner was announced, and got the lowdown on what’s in store for Peter Porker:

Ryan Teatcrest: Peter, Peter! What a finale that was. Was there any doubt in your head that the wig you chose was too ladylike? I mean, there’s such a fine line between pirate braids and reggae locks!

Peter Porker: You know Ryan, that dilemma troubled me for days. But I just relied on my guts—people always said this was my best part. And before I knew it, my shoot sizzled with the intensity of a Midwestern barbecue grill!

R: Patch 3.3 of Warcraft just went live and I hear Blizzlard is looking for new actors to promote it, similar to their campaign with T-Pain. Do you plan to have guestings or appearances in the numerous raids gunning for the Frozen Throne?

P: Funny you should mention that. My agent just called to say that Blizzlard has set up a meeting to discuss a possible part as the feast pig served after the defeat of Arthas. I’m excited to show off my graceful bellyflop pose and apple-munching dexterity.

R: Aren’t you afraid of the cold weather? Or worse, the sea of draenei paladins that will swoon over you during the filming at the Argent Crusade base camp?

P: I’m not worried one bit. Those cows can do with me whatever they want. It’s part of the gig to act as the beefiest bacon in town, and it can only help me to have such adoring fans.

With that final question, Peter Porker gave a quick strut on the runway and a classy snout goodbye to his fellow Chop Model Contestants. Next stop: Paris to spend his well-earned gold for the finest clothes a ham can have.

Let's just hope this includes some anti-barbecue gear for the coming Cataclysm.

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