How Fast Food Made My Valentine’s Special

Dude no, that is disgusting. I did not spend the night playing with the McDonalds’ Happy Meal Barbie doll I got from eBay last week. That’s for my niece’s birthday! Which is…7 months from now but uhh, I like buying gifts in advance so sue me.

Anyway, it’s true. Valentine’s Day was no longer S.A.D. (FYI, that’s Single Awareness Day) because I had an amazing date yesterday, so amazing that it didn’t leave me broke. And I actually impressed the girl (from the epic first date last month, remember?) by treating her to fast food! Not only that, we just ate in! How am I so sure she’s impressed? She asked ME if I had plans for next week and gave me the look after the 10-second goodnight kiss. Unreal, bro.

Okay, so I know you must be racking your brains, figuring out how I managed to knock a girl off her feet with greasy fare in my humble abode. But don’t worry, I’ll let you in on my secret in a little bit.

See, at first I was thinking about taking her out to dinner and a movie but then I realized that’s what everyone else is doing. WTB originality. So instead of making dinner reservations somewhere swanky and with menu items I’d have to rely on my amateurish tongue-acrobatics to pronounce, I figured we’ll have a more intimate homemade dinner. Plus, there’s no chance of us running into each other’s exes. How’s that for thoughtful?

The thought may count but dude, it’s the execution that matters in the end.

I’ll be the first to say that while I’m an expert face stuffer, I am in no way close to being the best meal maker. The fanciest dish I’ve probably ever attempted was a poor man’s steak au poivre. “Attempted” being the operative word. Good thing I stumbled upon fancyfastfood.com, transforming daily no-fuss grub to exquisite replicas of chef’s specials.

They’ve made over Wendy’s Baconator Combo to pass for a fancy schmancy Napoleon, BK’s Whooper & Steakhouse Burger into a fancy schmancy Perguignon and Tim Hortons into Tiramisu, among other things. Magicians, these guys.

For our date, I successfully prepared Seared Pollock Cake with Southwest Ramalan Sauce, which is nothing but a fancified Mcdonald’s Filet-O-Fish. Of course, she didn't need to know that.

Not the one I made. It looked damn close to this one though.

Now why fast food? Well, if you’re like me, who’s a) just a regular dude and b) strapped for cash, fast food is a savior of sorts. And because c’mon, who doesn’t like fast food? It’s a guilty pleasure, whether you admit to that or not. Funny, I didn’t even feel a tinge of guilt as I watched her pleasure herself with every bite…

Plus, I got her the 36-piece Valentine’s Day Ballotin Godiva set for dessert. You can’t go wrong with chocolate. Unless if she’s allergic or dieting or picky, which is not the case at all so yes, The Bradster scores major points again! Woot!

Later into the night, we toasted to some fancy wine I stole from Pops’ wine rack when I went home during the holidays. Again, she didn’t need to know that.

Last but not the least, I serenaded her with my cover of Stolen by Dashboard Confessional ― complete with guitar in hand. I had to, man. Every guy has to have a signature move and that’s mine.

Boy, I sure came a long way from my Wowing the WoW Girls series. How’d you celebrate Valentines?

Pigz Got (Social) Skillz, Y’all

4 days to go before the big V Day. Yeah, we do countdowns too. Nothing wrong with that. Some might think that we’re getting overly anxious just trying to get past the large stumbling block of getting a date this upcoming Hallmark holiday. But they’d have to think again.

Truthfully, we’re no basement dwellers (I used to be one up until last year but I am not one now anymore and that’s beside the point). The geeky, sweaty, mouth-breathery stereotype of gamers is passé. But them peoples are ignorant, man. They refuse to acknowledge the fact that us pigs got game!

To prove just that, I present you the WoW Gold Pig-approved list of in-game pick-up lines (thank you, internet):

"So hey, if I get to exalted with you do I get a 'Special' Epic Mount?"
"Hey, nice pants. What's the drop rate?"
“Are those pants from Mount Hyjal? Cause that ass is EPIC.”
"Don't worry, baby. I've got a Blessing of Protection."
“I dont need to cast a fire spell to ignite your fire.”
“Yeah, that's right... I'm hung like a Tauren.”
"Wanna raid my chamber?"
“Are you a vendor? Because I'd like to browse your goods.”

Not too shabby huh? A tip for piglets though: You don’t wanna come across as a pervy creep so use sparingly.

Now that I’ve got you equipped with mayjah skillz, I’ll leave you with an oldie but goodie to get you in the right perspective― Nymh’s Hard Like Heroic. Sleazefest FTW!




You’re welcome.

WTB Love: A Porker's Guide to Valentine's Dating

Ah, love is in the air again, porkers.

The streets of Dalaran are littered with rose petals and Pendlefeet begs me to feed him heart candies while I'm banking. It took me awhile to get used to all the pink on-screen, but at least Blizzard gave us gents a chance to redeem our manliness with tools to woo the ladies. Below are some tips on how to buy love--or at least a smooch--with your love tokens:

Suited for the Occasion.
Squeeze into a dinner suit (20 love tokens), splash on some cologne, and get a fresh cut at the barbers before asking out that half-naked draenei gyrating for gold coins. A dashing toon can sweep a girl in need off her bare feet, especially one that looks like he won't scrimp on the finer things in life--like a Gold Eternium Band for when things turn serious.

Give (Na)grand gestures
Assuming you've scored a date, don't screw it up by suggesting a swim in the Stormwind canals. Think big--and, in this case, think Nagrand. It's tops on the list of places being alt-z'ed for screenshots due to its picturesque plains and safari wildlife. Arranging a romantic picnic basket (10 love tokens) there can score major points just for its sheer charm. But if the level zone proves too dangerous for your lowbie love, the log cabins in Elwynn Forest or soft meadows in Mulgore are great alternatives. Just beware of newbie crashers asking for directions.

Sweeten the Deal
Fill up her mailbox with a daily bite of heart candies (2 love tokens for 10 pieces) and box of chocolates (10 tokens for six pieces). Reminder her each day why she's lucky to have you.

Begin with the compliments ("Hot Lips!") and work your way up to stalker possessiveness ("Be Mine!"). The achievements are a nice icing to the seduction cake, so stock up on the desserts. It's not that hard to turn in those charm bracelets for love token currencies, but if you're pressed for time just grab some WoW Gold and purchase them over at the Auction House.

Fire Up the Charm
Now this works best during the weekends when there are tons of toons in the city square. Purchase a pile of love rockets (5 love tokens for 5 pieces)  and fill the skies with hearts. It's even better to macro it together with a trade shout proclaiming sweet snippets of affection. The logistics are more complicated and requires quick fingers, but if you can master the Heigan dance (and you should), then this will be a walk in the park.

But if after all these, she's still as cold as Sindragosa, then it might be time to give up. Sometimes the battle has been lost long before it's started (see QQ posts on belf hotties shooting me down) so hand those charm bracelets to a more receptive babe. Or sell the whole lot--WoW Gold is just as sexy, you know.

My Funny Valentine

My funny valentine
Sweet honey cured valentine
You make me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable
Unphotographable
Yet you're my favourite pork of art

Okay, so we're a bit late. But we haven't forgotten you.

We love you long time, xoxo my boo.

As full-blooded males, we were inclined to chase skirts and go out with our sweethearts.

I bet you all spent some time with your loved ones, too. Relationships are always important.

That pink-haired Gnome in Ironforge doesn't count. (She's a MAN, baby!)

Men will do amazing things to impress the ladies. Valentine's Day is a perfect opportunity to show how much you love your girl, what you're willing to do in the name of love and having her wear edible undies.

I went on a date with a sweet lil' piggy this weekend. I first met her online, on the opposite side of Arathi Basin as she took my BM Hunter down in a few seconds as a Ret Paladin.

She had me at Hammer of Wrath.

We met at a nearby cafe and exchange pleasantries. I think she looked gorgeous with her long wavy hair and svelte build.

She thought I was taller in person. She's only seen me as a dwarf.

I planned a romantic day, strolling in the park, going to a museum and capping it off at the most expensive restaurant a dude could afford. The sun was up, it wasn't too cold and we're both feeling great. Oh, how exciting!

We spent the whole day talking about WoW. And how she thought the alliance sucked.

We went to Taco Bell and just laughed our butts off talking about Chuck Norris, Rick Astley and High Overlord Saurfang.

It was then that I felt that it just became a lame valentine. My plans were derailed and we were chowing down on fake Mexican food. Oh, the horror!

On the way home, she gave me a kiss.

Whoa.

"I had fun. See you tomorrow?"

Sure!

"Oh, and switch to Horde, noob!" she said, smiling at me.

I could still hear her laugh as she closed the door.

That's amore.